The Kennedy assassination. Area 51. The New England Patriots. Conspiracy theories are everywhere – and weather you believe them or not – I think we all need to delve deeper into the biggest, baddest, most prolific of them all – Ready? I propose there is a “deep state” alliance between women’s clothing manufacturers and the weight loss industry. There – I said it. Donatella Versace is on the take from NutriSystem and there is a reason that Target puts the “High Fashion” display across from the SlimFast aisle.
In this social climate of body confidence I cry – and please pardon the well placed and necessary therefore not gratuitous profanity – BULL SHIT. . Why you ask? Because if size 12 is the new size 6 why do the people who always wore a size 6 now need a size 8? Or 10? My size didn’t change but my label sure did. Really? And I’ve got news for you – I really liked being a size 6 and I do not want to be a size 8 or 10. They say Marilyn Monroe was a size 12 – no way in hell. She was a hefty gal – hefty in all the alluring places but hefty. I bet if Marilyn hit the sale rack at Macy’s today she would be shopping the clearance in the full figured section. Seriously? The quintessential example of American feminine beauty would now be reduced to shopping high fashion at Chicos. Am I the only one that sees a problem here?
Here’s what I think is going on – The clothing manufacturers are working off of two platforms 1) that by sizing what was a 6 into now an 8 they prey on the minds of those women who were ALWAYS comfortable at a 6 and now SHOCKER are an 8. “How did that happen? I need to go on a diet! This is insane!” Been there. Done that.
And lo and behold suddenly you become more aware of all those miracle weight loss programs that keep popping up in your Facebook feed. We all know the ones I’m talking about where you can go from morbidly obese to fitness model “without giving up the food I love”. (insert disclaimer here) BULL SHIT.
Platform 2) by promoting the idea of “beauty at any size” they also guarantee that women see a specific label as friendly. Do you understand people – they have your number! Loyalty – they are counting on it! Plus size? – Lane Bryant loves you! Petite but voluptuous? – welcome to Spanx. Therefore, you go back, again and again, size change after size change. Turn on the money machine and start printing. They’ve got you people!
In an effort to undermine this crafty bit of American marketing I have a solution. When you find a piece you like, quickly purchase 3-4 different sizes. Try them on but DO NOT look at the sizing label. Now, you will need a competent wingman for this – preferably one with good fine motor skills and a good pair of scissors. When you find the perfect fit, quickly remove and pass to the one you trust (the one with the scissors). They should immediately surgically remove all size evidence and burn it. For the record this individual has already passed all prerequisite security checkpoints and has entered the circle of trust – we will never speak of that label again. Its dead to us.
What is the end game you ask? Just this – you are still the same size you were last season – and you can use all that money you would have spent on Hydroxycut on more important things. Like wine. Or Cheese. Or Wine flavored cheese – without guilt or anxiety. Take that Donatella.
Chapstick in the Dryer 