Christmas time is here…

The holidays.  A time for families and friends to come together and share the joys of the season and love of each other.  Sure – that’s how it happens.  If and only if your world also includes unicorns, leprechauns, flying reindeer and convenient free parking in the city. 

We all know how this season really works, it begins with the passive aggressive missal of the season – The Christmas Card – or from the truly diabolical – the Christmas Letter. Here you have the vector by which seemingly nice and friendly neighbors and family can inject their syrupy sweetness and delusional existence into your every day via the mailbox.  You see the USPS – while completely dysfunctional – still has the ability to get our smiles to shine when we receive a handwritten LETTER.  But to all of you naïve mail recipients I say “caveat emptor” or perhaps “mail delicatus cave.” 

Here is how the sneaky little bastards get you.  You open the brightly colored envelope, anticipating a few photos of smiling kids or maybe a picture of a tree.  And on the surface you are correct in your assumption.  But then you start to read – “Jenny just graduated Sigma Cum Laude from Harvard Law while simultaneously developing a new water purification system for the peace corps.”  “Baby Richard is learning his letters and numbers in Mandarin but he’s thinking of switching over to a more obscure Mongolian dialect.  Mandarin is so 2019.”  And last but not least – “Our Madeline is busy preparing for her debut in the Joffrey’s Nutcracker while studying for 1’st Glockenspiel with the CSO.”  And just like that your hardworking day to day becomes an example of laziness personified and you feel like the gum on the shoe of humanity.  And Why? Why? Because everyone wants to seem important and no one wants to point out their shortcomings.  Lucky for them – I love to point out other’s shortcomings.

I think its high time we highlight the reality that lives inside every over decorated house.  I advocate for Christmas letters that serve to make the rest of us feel good about ourselves.  That is a gift that keeps on giving. Forget the holiday candy – and keep your cheap ornament exchanges. Lets sing O Come Emmanuel – and hey Emmanuel – bring  us the dirt. 

Here is my example for all of you to use when writing your letter.  Pay attention.

Hey Everyone! This year brought us some special surprises and excitement.  First of all, the new eco-friendly garden that little Jimmy was working on for science class turned out to be nothing more than a glorified pot farm.  The bad news is Jimmy is serving 32 months for possession with intent, but the good news is he can pay cash for his college education when he gets sprung.   

Momma got into a bit of trouble at the senior center when she introduced her own online sports betting app.  The app itself wasn’t so bad, but the pills-to-play setup she was working didn’t set well with the Medicare Rx members. Seems those seniors are a little tetchy when it comes to having to ration their pharmaceutical grade Fibercon pills to support their online sportsbook.

And lastly, little Cece, sweet adorable Cece.  You all remember her from those dance recitals? Well she put all that training to good use and now is the headliner at the new gentlemans club on the South Side.  Her latest stage name is Trixie Tinsel and she’s currently making six figures while completing her doctoral thesis in marine biology. That’s right friends – no one defines #strippergoals like our little Cece.

Oh the holidays – so much annoyance, so little time.  To be continued…..